


The Guilt Can Eat You Alive

by NerdyNostalgia



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Confrontations, Getting Together, Guilt, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post S8, Therapy, survivor's guilt, the others are only mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:49:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27133438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyNostalgia/pseuds/NerdyNostalgia
Summary: Guilt has eaten away at Shiro since his return to Earth and he had learned of Adam's death. After the war it had only gotten worse and now it was dictating his life. After a confrontation with Keith about his choices he begins to realise that he isn't as comfortable with them as he thought. Will he change his mind and choose a new path?You never know, it may lead him to something far better than he would've had.
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Past Shiro/Adam - Relationship
Kudos: 27





	The Guilt Can Eat You Alive

Shiro was surprised when Keith stormed into his office, although thinking about it he shouldn’t have been. The furious expression on his face stunned him and guilt settled in his gut.

“When were you going to tell me?” Keith asked as he leaned on the desk.

Shiro shivered at the cold anger present in Keith’s voice and swallowed before answering, “I was always going to tell you. I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”

Shiro chanced a look at Keith and the guilt increased at the sad look that grew in Keith’s eyes. He felt horrible. The truth was that he had been putting off telling Keith because he didn’t know how to tell him. Everyone else had found out through rumours and gossip so he hadn’t actually told anyone yet, instead he’d just confirmed rumours. Now he was faced with his decision and it settled uncomfortably inside him.

“Is this really what you want Shiro? To retire before you’ve seen all the universe has to offer?”

Shiro sighed, “I think I’ve had enough of the universe for one lifetime.”

“But your dream has always been to travel the universe and discover all that you can. Now that the war is over it’s the perfect opportunity to do so.”

“I know…”

“So why don’t you take that opportunity? You don’t need to be part of the Garrison to do it. Why are you staying on Earth?”

“Because I think its time I settled down.”

“Shiro, you’re only 28. You have your whole life ahead of you to settle down.”

Shiro swallowed as he tried to think of something to say and noticed a change in Keith’s expression.

“I thought your disease was gone?”

“It is. There’s no trace of it in this body.”

“So why are you acting like you still have it and are on a shortened life span?!”

“I’m not!”

“You are! I just want to know why?”

“It’s got nothing to do with the disease.”

Keith remained silent for the next couple of minutes and Shiro couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in his head. What he wasn’t expecting was what came out of his mouth next...

“So this is about Adam.” He said it as a fact with no room for argument, but Shiro tried anyway.

“No it’s not…”

“Don’t lie to me Shiro!” Keith sat in the chair in front of his desk and sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, “What happened Shiro? Ever since we came back to Earth you’ve been acting strange. Ever since we learned that Adam died during the invasion it’s almost like you’ve given up. I get that you still had feelings for him but that doesn’t mean that you need to give up on life because he’s not here. He wouldn’t have wanted that. You know he wouldn’t.”

Shiro felt his heart break at Keith’s words. He sighed, “That’s not what’s going on Keith.”

He hated how false his own words sounded, but he hated the resignation that bloomed on Keith’s face before his best friend nodded and sighed. He then got up and stopped by the door, “I just want to know why you’ve given up Shiro.”

With that he left and Shiro was left sitting alone in his office. His best friend’s words sat heavily in the air and it felt suffocating. He didn’t feel like he was giving up...but was he?

He sighed as he thought about his decision. He thought he had made peace with it but now all of the doubts that he had, as well as his dreams, came rushing to the forefront. Keith was right that there were things that he wanted to achieve but how could he now? He was bound to the ATLAS and the Garrison weren’t allowing her to fly. Could he walk away? But wasn’t that what he was doing by retiring? 

He ran a hand over his face and put his face in his hands. Everything had seemed so simple this morning. He would retire and find a nice man to settle down with. He’d get married and live a quiet life on Earth….But is that what he really wanted?

The questions and doubts seemed to only grow louder and the date of his retirement grew closer. He hadn’t seen Keith since the confrontation and he hated it. He missed his best friend and he couldn’t help but feel like he was going to be giving up more than just his job when he retired. 

To try and settle his nerves he decided to go and see his friends. But what he discovered shocked him. Pidge and Matt would be travelling amongst the stars to act as scientific liaisons and would be gone for at least the next year, Hunk would also be travelling to see Shay and to learn more about alien cuisine for the restaurant he wanted to open, even Lance would be leaving Earth and travelling to New Altea to help Coran with the memorial for Allura. He knew that Keith would be travelling with the Blades and suddenly it hit him that he was the only one that would be staying on Earth. He was binding himself to a planet that his friends were leaving. He suddenly felt like he was being left behind...but wasn’t this of his own doing? Isn’t this what he’d wanted; to know his friends were finding their own way even if it meant without him?

Learning that his friends would be travelling the stars put a sour taste in his mouth about his own decision. He didn’t like it but he kept telling himself that it was what he wanted...even if the words were sounding increasingly false to his own ears.

* * *

Laying in bed he thought over his decision again. He began to wonder if he could travel the stars again, but the minute he did his thoughts turned to the fight at the cloning facility. He still felt extremely guilty about permanently scarring Keith and the last thing he wanted was to have a repeat of the last time he went to space. 

He couldn’t live with himself if something similar happened again. He couldn’t hurt Keith again. The guilt would kill him. It was already difficult to live with. He couldn’t risk something like that happening again and the guilt resurfaced every time he looked at Keith’s face. It was a permanent reminder of him at his worst.

But this was becoming too much. His decision and his desires were swirling in his head to the point it was difficult to concentrate on anything but his growing confusion. He thought he had made peace with his choice but with Keith’s words still replaying in his head that certainty was fading. So what was he going to do?

* * *

A week later he made his way to the memorial wall and looked at Adam’s image. The guilt he felt about surviving when Adam had not ate at him. He was the one that was meant to die, not Adam. He had a degenerative disease that shortened lifespan and now he was in a clone’s body and the disease was gone. Why had he been given a second chance and Adam hadn’t?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t immediately noticed that he had company.

“Hey.”

Shiro looked up sharply and his eyes widened when he saw Keith stood beside him. He hadn’t seen Keith since the confrontation in his office and he had missed his best friend. He nodded a greeting and Keith looked at the wall before sighing and turning to him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? What for?” Shiro asked, surprised.

“About what I said in your office. I shouldn’t have said it. If retiring and settling down is what you really want then I’ll support it. I guess it just took me by surprise.”

Shiro sighed and guilt settled in his gut, “Don’t apologise Keith. While it wasn’t nice to hear I think that I needed to hear it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were right.” He took a deep breath as he tried to figure out how to word what he wanted to say next, “Ever since we got back to Earth and discovered Adam had died I’ve felt guilty. I felt guilty before that but it amplified after we returned. It’s just...why did I get a second chance and he didn’t?”

“You miss him.”

“I do, but not in the way you think. When we came back I wanted to know that he was happy, that he was leading a good life. Don’t get me wrong there will always be a part of me that loves him. He was my first love after all, but what we had ended long before I left for Kerberos. Now I just feel guilty that I get a second chance at life and he didn’t.”

“But what does that have to do with your decision to retire?”

“I’ve thought a lot about it and had a couple of therapy sessions about it and well...I don’t really want to admit it but I think I was living his life.”

“What do you mean?”

Shiro swallowed as this would be the first time he was admitting what was going on, “My therapist made me realise that I was trying to live the life that I would have lived with Adam. Kerberos would have been my last mission before I was bound to Earth because of my disease. Stuck on Earth I would have settled down and lived what was left of my life. Adam had always wanted the fairytale, white picket fence life.”

“Did you want that life?”

“If I did or didn’t, with my disease what I really wanted would be impossible so I would make the best out of my circumstances.”

Keith was confused, “But that was before, what about now?”

Shiro sighed, “I guess that the guilt of surviving when he didn’t drove me to wanting to live the life he never got the chance to live.”

“But that wasn’t your fault. You had nothing to do with his death.”

“I still feel responsible.”

“But you’re not. When you crashed land back on Earth you tried to warn the Garrison about the Galra but they wouldn’t listen. Plus they didn’t listen to Sam either when he returned, according to what he’s said. You can’t blame yourself for their reluctance to react or take either of you seriously. You did all you could. It’s their fault that they didn’t listen until it was too late.”

Shiro sighed again. He knew that Keith was telling the truth but it didn’t lessen the guilt. Deep down he knew that he couldn’t have done anything but it didn’t stop him from feeling like he should have.

The two stood in silence for several minutes as their attention turned back to the memorial wall. Keith didn’t know how to take what Shiro had told him. Knowing Shiro, he knew that he was a caring person who would try to do what was best for others but he had no idea that his guilt went so far and was affecting him so much. It made him want to help but he not only had no idea how but also that he couldn’t help with this issue. He didn’t know if he believed in the afterlife but he prayed to Adam that he would send Shiro a sign that it was okay to live his dreams and the life he wanted.

* * *

Weeks passed and Keith’s days were filled with preparing for leaving with the Blades. They wanted to create a base on the resurrected Daibazaal and Keith had agreed to go with them. He felt bad for leaving Shiro alone on Earth as their friends had already left, but he wasn’t useful on Earth and he hated being idle. 

He loaded another bag onto the ship and checked to make sure it was secure. He heard a bag drop behind him but initially thought nothing of it. He turned and walked out the ship but stopped when he spotted Shiro looking rather sheepish not too far away from the ship. Keith was wide-eyed as he approached his best friend.

“Shiro? What are you doing here?” He asked as he stopped in front of him.

“I was wondering if there was room for one more.” Shiro replied.

Keith noticed that Shiro was clenching and unclenching his fists at his side, an indication he was nervous. He looked up at his face and nodded, “Of course. You know you’re always welcome.”

Shiro’s shoulders sank in relief. Keith couldn’t help but wonder why he thought that he would give any other answer.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. What brought this on?” Keith asked as he took Shiro’s bag and took it inside the ship. Shiro followed and sighed as he entered the ship.

“I was thinking everything over these past few weeks and I realised that you were right.”

“About what?”

“About what I was doing and why I was doing it. Talking it over with my therapist I realised that the survivor’s guilt was getting to me. I felt, still feel, guilty about Adam’s death that I wanted to do right by him instead of live my dreams. I’m not going to lie and say that going back out there doesn’t scare me but I can’t live my life in fear. You were right that that’s the last thing Adam would’ve wanted. I know that he hated the idea of me going back out there but I’m sure he would be okay with me travelling again now that I’m disease free.”

Keith smiled, “Good. I’m glad you’re doing something for yourself, finally. After everything you’ve been through you deserve it. So, what do you plan on doing out there?”

“I figured I’d help with the Blades, if that’s okay. I want to help out and see the universe now its at peace.”

“I think we can figure something out. The Blades can always use more help and you’re always welcome.”

“Thanks Keith.”

“No problem.”

The two made their way into the cockpit and Keith prepared the ship for take off.

* * *

A month had passed since they had arrived on Daibazaal and Shiro was happier than he had been in a long time. He was helping out with humanitarian efforts and travelling the stars. It was like a peace had settled over him since leaving his home planet. It was even better as he got to spend a lot of time with Keith. 

While on Daibazaal he had been trying to work on his survivor’s guilt and letting it go. It was tough but he welcomed the challenge, especially when he thought about where it would have lead him. He shivered at the thought of entering into a marriage he wouldn’t really want and living a lifestyle he wouldn’t enjoy. He just wasn’t set out for the white picket fence life.

With this growing acceptance of what had happened to him there were other changes. The most prominent was that feelings he had buried since returning to Earth had begun to resurface. He had known for a long time that he had developed romantic feelings for Keith, but after the cloning facility fight and learning what had happened to Adam he felt undeserving of Keith. He knew that if he said something Keith would deny it but he felt so unworthy of Keith’s love and attention and so had pulled away to spare them both the pain. However looking back he realised that he had only been hurting them both. Now that he was allowing himself to feel those emotions they were coming back full force...and making an idiot out of him.

He often stumbled over his words or his footing, got caught staring or even walked into things. He was a walking disaster and it was humiliating. He hoped that Keith hadn’t noticed, although he knew others had. However he was conflicted. Should he tell Keith his feelings? Should he keep them to himself? What should he do?

He had no idea what to do although he knew what he wanted  to do . However he couldn’t help but wonder if Keith felt the same. He knew that he was important to Keith and that the young man would do almost anything for him, he had proved as much, but he had no idea if it was romantic in nature. 

He sighed. Now it wasn’t guilt stopping him, but fear.  He treasured what he had with Keith and he didn’t want to risk it by declaring his feelings only to be rejected. The last thing he wanted was to make things awkward between them. So what should he do? Should he do anything?

In his desperation to not mess up the best relationship in his life he sought out the one person who terrified him more than Keith...his mother, Krolia. 

He swallowed and wiped his hand as he approached. She looked up and gave him a knowing smile. Shiro felt himself shrink under her gaze as embarrassment ran through him. He hated the idea that he had been obvious about his feelings but at the same time he supposed he should have known that the Blades would pick up on them as spies. 

He cleared his throat, “Krolia, may I speak with you?”

“Of course Shiro. How may I help you?”

“Umm, well, you see…I was hoping…”

Krolia almost felt bad for him. It was obvious that he was nervous and so she decided to speed the conversation up, “You wish to talk about my son and how you should approach him on the nature of your relationship.”

Shiro sighed, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Shiro, call me Krolia.”

“Krolia. So how...what do I do?”

“My son is very straightforward. If you were to do something that was hinting at romance he probably wouldn’t get it. So be straightforward. Tell him plainly how you feel.”

Shiro nodded. He thanked Krolia and left. He returned to his quarters and started thinking. Talk to him plainly and be straightforward. The idea of simply walking up to Keith and declaring he was in love with him seemed terrifying. Besides he still felt guilty about everything that had happened between them during the war. Maybe that was the conversation that they needed to have first before they could move forward. Sighing he ran a hand over his face as he knew it would be a difficult conversation.

* * *

He found Keith later that day and asked him to meet him for dinner. He kept having to remind himself that it wasn’t a date and it was instead a chance to have a proper conversation about what had happened during the war. This way they would have a conversation that Shiro knew was long overdue. 

A knock broke the silence and Shiro went and opened the door. He smiled when he saw Keith on the other side and let him in. The two made their way over to the small table and chatted as they ate. It was a peaceful and calm atmosphere that Shiro was loath to break, but he knew that he must.

The two sat on the sofa and Shiro swallowed he turned to Keith and took hold of one of his hand. He could do this. 

“I’m sorry Keith.”

“Sorry? For what?”

“For not having this conversation sooner,” He lifted his other hand and cupped the scarred cheek, “For this.”

Keith leaned into the touch, “You don’t need to apologise Shiro.”

“But I do. I hurt you, all of you.”

“It wasn’t you. It was Haggar.”

“It was still me, still this body that did those things.”

“She used you. I know that you would never hurt me on purpose. Besides this scar reminds me that I managed to get you back, that I didn’t lose you.”

Shiro felt his heart swell, “Keith.”

“If this scar is all I got from trying to get you back then I would do so a thousand times. You’re worth it to me Shiro. The fight was worth it because you came back.”

“But I still hurt you.”

Keith lifted his hand and placed it over the one of his cheek, “Not on purpose. It was Haggar. One scar to get you back is a price that is worth paying.”

Shiro chuckled wetly as tears came to his eyes, “You really know how to overwhelm a guy, you know that?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been through so much because of me. So much pain and trauma yet you still want me around.”

“I told you, I’d save you as many times as it takes. I intend to keep that promise, but you’re my best friend what else was I supposed to do?”

“You’re my bets friend too,” Shiro pulled his hand away and reached over to hug Keith. He buried his face into the space between Keith’s neck and shoulder, “You even managed to save me from myself.”

“Huh?”

“The whole situation I was going through on Earth when I was letting the guilt dictate my life.”

“You’re welcome.”

Shiro chuckled again and pulled away, “Thank you Keith. I really don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Keith smiled up at Shiro, “My life would have been a lot different without you.”

Shiro smiled down at Keith and in that moment his emotions took hold and he leaned down. Neither had much time to think before their lips connected. Keith froze for a second and Shiro thought he had just ruined everything when he felt him respond. The kiss only lasted a couple of seconds before they pulled away. Both were blushing with their arms still around each other. They were both wide-eyed as neither could believe that had actually happened.

“Shiro…”

“I’ll ask before I do that again.” The words out of Shiro’s mouth surprised them both but Shiro wanted Keith to know that he had wanted to do that.

“You meant to kiss me?”

“Well, yes, but I wanted to have a conversation about our feelings first to make sure we were on the same page rather than spontaneously kiss you.”

“Feelings?”

Shiro swallowed, this was the moment, “I love you Keith. I mean, I’m in love with you.”

Shiro looked down, prepared for a rejection. Keith raised one of his hands and cupped Shiro’s cheek. Shiro reluctantly looked at Keith and was surprised to see a smile on his face.

“I’m in love with you too.”

Shiro’s eyes widened at the admission, “You are?”

Keith nodded, “I am. I thought it was obvious. Everyone else seems to know.”

“It wasn’t obvious to me, but then I could say the same about my feelings.”

The two laughed and then leaned in again. Their second kiss was just as brief as their first but this time both were expecting it. They pulled away and laughed as they hugged each other again. This time Keith rested his head on Shiro’s chest as they held each other.

From that position Shiro spoke, “I know that there’s a lot more that we need to talk about and sort out, but I want to see where this goes, me and you. All I know is that I don’t want to build a future that doesn’t have you in it, or you beside me.”

“I feel the same. We’ll sort it out. You’ve never given up on me and I won’t give up on you, on us.”

Shiro smiled and tightened his grip for a second. He felt guilty for just a moment as he realised that he had almost given up on Keith. Allowing the guilt to dictate his life he had almost allowed it to tear the two of them apart. He was never going to allow that, especially now he knew that his feelings were returned. He thought of Adam briefly and for the first time since learning about his death, a peace washed over him. There was still a sting thinking about his ex but  it was no longer the overwhelming guilt he had felt before. He didn’t know why but he felt like he had just received Adam’s blessing on moving forward with his life. He could almost picture it, Adam rolling his eyes as he looked at the pair as he was completely unsurprised that they had ended up together. In that moment he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to ensure that he and Keith would be happy as they built a life together.


End file.
